Laurel Mallonee LCSW

Sometimes you’re not the one with the anxiety or depression. Sometimes it’s someone you love. This can be just as painful as having the problem yourself – sometimes maybe more.

It can be extremely overwhelming when a loved one is struggling with their mental health. You might be at a loss for where to even begin to help, and it’s really difficult and delicate to know what to do or not do, or say and not say.

I’m regularly asked by families, partners and friends about how to support their loved ones who are struggling. The good news is that you really don’t have to be trained to be of help. I am sharing these suggestions from and what I’ve heard and seen between my clients and their loved ones.

Obviously the way people like to be supported will differ from person to person and from family to family. This post is geared more toward simple ways to help on a lighter, less intense level, however I think that these ideas would be a good place to start for most people.

(*I do want to address that these are little things to show support. While little efforts like this are crucial to anyone in any hard situation, sometimes you have a loved one who needs much more heavy duty support than this and I recognize that is a completely different beast.)

1. Ask yourself: How would you support someone going through a different major illness or medical issue? Don’t let the fact that it’s a mental health issue make you too nervous. People generally have ideas about how to help people who are physically ill, who have just had surgery or a baby, etc. They prepare food, send flowers, call and visit. They offer support, offer to pick up things at the store, run errands, take the kids for a couple hours, help make phone calls for appointments. Psychiatric illness is still an illness, and I think this type of support can be very valuable.

2. Ask them! But I get it, we sometimes don’t know the “right words”. Here are some phrases you could play with to ask how to support someone:

• “It seems like things have been rough for you lately. I would like to help, is there anything you can think of that would be helpful?”
• “Here is my phone number, I’m available at these times if you need anything.”
• “Can I bring you/get you/visit/ ___________?” and just offer something that you feel comfortable doing.
• “Can I call/stop in and check in on you tomorrow [or some other time that you can]?”
• “I’m worried about you. Do you want to talk about it?”
• “It seems like you’ve been having a hard time. What can I do to help?” or “I want to be able to help out, so if there’s something you need please tell me.”
• “It seems like you’ve been having a hard time. I just want you to know I love you and I’m here for you. Is there anything I can do?”
• “You looked stressed/upset…” AND “…can I do something to help?” or “Do you want to talk about it?” (Don’t stop at “You look stressed” haha)
• Shoot them a text every so often that says “Hey I was thinking about you, I just wanted to say hi and that I’m here. Love you!”

I try to use softer terms when describing how people look or act, things like “stressed” or “sad”, rather than putting what they’re feeling into a category like “depressed” or “anxious”.

3. Listen. Listening well doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but it can be learned. The hardest part for most people is keeping their mouth shut! In general, I will say that the less you say the better. This of course is not always the case, but this is my own rule of thumb. If you don’t know what to say, try saying nothing for just a few seconds. Oftentimes silence is interpreted in two wildly different ways in the same conversation. You might think it’s uncomfortable, but maybe for them it’s just the right amount of space they need to gather their thoughts.

If this is clearly not the case, here are some other things you can try when you don’t know what to say:

• “That sounds really hard/awful/huge.”
• “I’m so sorry you’re going through this”
• “I don’t really know what to say, but it sounds really hard.”
• “Have you been able to talk to anyone about this?”

4. Bring something light-hearted to their day. Something that is silly and sweet, like a story about a child or a pet. You could bring them a fun card, show them a funny video, or talk about a funny memory you have with them. It gets really dark and heavy in a person’s brain when they feel depressed or are going through a hard phase. It gets hard to remember that there are cheerful and light things out in the world. It’s ok to help them remember that – often it’s a relief.

5. Be a human with them. There is an immense amount of shame that comes with having mental health problems. The stigma around mental health (while improving) is intense, and people often feel the shame of that even stronger than the mental health problem they are having. They think of themselves as “crazy”, “broken”, “messed up”. While the issues they are having can certainly be scary and hard to understand, at the end of the day they are just a human – and you know what that’s like.

6. Know your own limits. It’s crucial that you pay attention to your own needs and boundaries when supporting another, especially on a long term basis. People can sense when help is coming from a resentful or ingenuine place. Support in a way that you can feel good about. If you get burned out of listening, you don’t have to all the time. Offer an alternative way to support them (example: “I can’t talk right now, but I’m headed to the store later. Can I get you something?”). Don’t hesitate to seek your own support and keep your own self care on the priority list.

Obviously, sometimes these kinds of things will help and sometimes they won’t. A lot of it will be trial and error, and will be specific to the person you know. They probably won’t solve any problems (which isn’t necessarily your job anyway), but they show love, support, and that you care. Those small things can be an enormous part of the healing process for the ones you love.